Tonight was… meh.
Okay, to be perfectly clear, this was not because the instances weren’t interesting and cool (they were) or because my guildies weren’t awesome (they were). It was because for some reason, I was just completely off my game today. (What follows is over 1.2k words of me rambling and being slightly emo. It is not important, feel free to skip it if you so choose.)
I’m not the best healer yet. I’m working on it, and I feel like I’m getting better; except for being dead and during Dreamwalker on Thursday, my healing line on World of Logs pretty well matched Kurn’s – being dead is obvious, and I’m not as good at getting stacks on DW, so my output isn’t as EPIC all the time. So, y’know, not going to be the go-to girl just yet, but I’m making progress.
And then tonight… goddess, I was awful. >< Now, before any of you jump to my defense, I will point this out: I was pretty much responsible for at least three of our Halion wipes, possibly all of them. Not saying that to be hard on myself – it just WAS. Now, part of it was that the dang twilight realm has that screen effect – normally I kinda like those, but it was way too fuzzy, it made it hard for me to see where things are – and I'm not the best at that. Something I'm working on. But the added fuzz and stuff just made it painful. And by painful I mean I was running around like a lazer chicken with its head cut off while the tanks died horrible deaths only moments into phase 2. I initially thought it was just a thing where I needed to be mentally prepared for the shift, but while I think I did a LITTLE better on subsequent attempts, it was still horrific. I mentioned it after the third wipe (I believe), and another healer said he could grab the command line to (hopefully) disable those effects after the next pull, and it still went awfully, so Kurn decided to change the healing assignments, which was definitely for the best. I was switched with Kurn and kept on the outside with our outside tank and, after the first wipe and a realisation (backed up by Kurn, so I felt good about THAT, at least) that I needed to bubble and HoS the tank when p3 started so we could live through that initial damage spike. And then we downed him.
So, we probably would've wiped at least once even without my spectacular fail, but it definitely was exacerbated and extended by my AMAZING failure to do my job. I like to think I learn quickly, but I just could not figure out that dance with the soul cutter and all. And looking back, I probably should've brought it up after the SECOND wipe – giving myself that first wipe as a mulligan of sorts, since I hadn't actually been in the instance before – and possibly saved us one of those wipes, but… I didn't. I feel bad about it, though. :/
Our attempts on LK were good, despite something going wrong somewhere (I don't know if it was me or whoever was on dispells or if I was supposed to dispell myself and didn't realise it or just RNG messing with us) early on in one of the attempts and dying to, like, the first necrotic plague. BUT! Even though we probably couldn't have actually finished the encounter, what with a lot of DPS down, we did push the LK into the second transition before we wiped, which is the best we've done! That was cool, and I felt like I was doing better on that attempt at being where I was supposed to be and moving where I was supposed to move and healing who I was supposed to heal.
It's tempting to say "I'm just distracted by my Ulduar run/am a little burned out from my Ulduar run/got too used to the TINY bit of forgiveness due to gear in my Ulduar run" or whatever, but I really don't think that's it. Even though yes, I AM terrifyingly psyched about the Ulduar run, I adore raiding 25s – the chaos of it makes it more fun, it makes me feel like I'm in a proper battle! I was really looking forward to tonight, and getting Halion and hopefully LK. And no, I don't think that this night was necessarily awful, and I absolutely want to keep raiding. One (personally) bad night is not going to scare me off, nor is the (in my opinion) inevitable critiquing I'm going to get tomorrow or Tuesday from Kurn. Will I like it? No. Being told I'm not doing well enough/fucked up/etc. always gives me a little twisty feeling in my gut – but that's normal. So I’m not mussed about that. I just… really don’t like screwing up.
I think part of it is I feel like I’m still proving myself – to Kurn and the other officers of Apotheosis. I probably am, it hasn’t been that long, and I wasn’t able to make a couple raids due to work/computer issues. But I have this sinking and probably entirely irrational fear that if I screw up at ALL, I will be put at the very end of the list of backbenchers. And I know Kurn reads my blog (at least sometimes), and I want to say that I’m not fishing for reassurances – if I’m just messing up too much or not performing well enough, I ABSOLUTELY want to be benched! I want this guild and the people in it who I have become very fond of to go as far as they possibly can, and I do NOT want to be the pebble in their boot, y’know? I just… want to be good. And much as it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, I want Kurn (and ALL my guildies, but especially Kurn) to like me, and part of my twisted, neurosis-laden little brain thinks that they won’t like me if I’m not OMG AMAZING AND AWESOME AT EVERYTHING EVER. Silly brain, they like me plenty, even if I DO end up sucking as a healer.
There’s really not much of a point to this ramble, other than to air some insecurities and the fact that I feel like I did really shitty tonight and I feel bad about that. :/ I feel bad because I want to be awesome, and I feel bad because I feel like I let people down.
It’s just not my night, I guess. Something knocked me off my centre pretty early on in the evening, I think, and I just need to find it again. My centre, not the thing that knocked me off balance. And I need to remind myself that even so, even if the screen effects blow or I’m not on my game, my mistakes are still my mistakes. I need to make sure that in offering an explanation, I don’t make it into an excuse – own up to where I screwed up, and so forth. Because the moment I make them excuses, I start sounding like the kind of person who fucks up but always has an excuse for why it’s not their fault. Certain things may have contributed or made things worse, but they’re still my fault.
In positive news, I really feel like getting Knock Knock Knock and Firefighter, as well as working on Yogg, last night helped with the “avoid bad shit” portion of the LK fight. :D? Maybe, despite my sudden feelings of dread and inadequacy, we’ll actually get Yogg and Algalon down tomorrow night. :) That would be cool.