Open Letters to Tanks

[note: more than average cursing in this one. I like my expletives when I’m pissed.]

Dear Tanks,

I don’t care who you are. I don’t care if you’ve got a healing offspec or heal in the top raiding guild on the battlegroup or if you’re an expert on holy pallies or my best friend or UTHER HIMSELF.

You do not tell me how to heal in party chat. Hell, or at all. The only people who will ever be able to tell me how to heal will be my holy pally GL and my healing lead. If you want to offer healing “advice”, don’t do it in any public chat, do it in a fucking whisper. I’ll probably still tell you to stuff it unless you do it very politely and nicely in an attitude of helping me be a better healer (rather than the attitude of annoyance that I’m slowing you down because I require time to drink). But I probably won’t drop group when you’re at 14% health with four mobs on you.

Do it in party chat, and all bets are off. Have fun waiting for another healer or making due with the enhancement shaman, you dickwad.

No love,
Apple, your disgruntled holy paladin.

Dear Druids of All Shapes (especially bears),

Innervate does not negate the need to drink. I do not need to conserve my mana so that your fucking Innervate cooldown can keep up with my mana usage. I don’t care if you think you should be able to NEVER STOP ONCE for me to drink because you’ve popped Innervate on me. It’s a great cooldown and I really appreciate it, especially mid-boss fight, don’t get me wrong, but it is not a substitute for stopping to drink every once in a while.

Also, on behalf of Boomkins and Trees everywhere, Paladin tanks, if you want to chain pull and never ever stop for your deeps and heals to drink, and you ask your Druid for Innervate so you don’t have to stop to drink in the midst of your chain pulling… it will almost certainly be on cooldown. Because they need to use it on THEMSELVES, to keep up with you, you jerk. Slow down and watch your healer’s mana, especially.

No love,
Apple, who prefers her filtered draenic water, thanks.

And, last but not least…

Dear Tanktard of the Day,

You know why I use Holy Light instead of Flash of Light? Well, the first is because you’ve got five mobs on you and your health is at 80%, not 95%. The second is because there’s some AoE damage going on with the melee DPS. I’m glyphed for Holy Light, so when I cast a Holy Light on you, even if it overheals you some, it’s also splashing over and healing them a bit, which makes me feel less worried about the state of their HP.

The third is because I don’t want to get too used to using Flash. If I do any raiding before Cata hits, I will be doing it in a Holy Light build, not a Flash of Light build. You chain-pulled the entire room, and only at the END did I pop my low-mana macro. Even if I’d been using FoL, I’d’ve been casting it so constantly that I would’ve wanted to drink anyway. So shut the FUCK up and stop telling me how to heal. I can manage my mana pool just fine – drinking is part of the caster experience, and you can fucking suck up and deal with it.

No love,
Apple, who feels absolutely no guilt for dropping group when you were at 14% health, you asswipe.

Dear Paladin Tank from Durnhold yesterday,

Thank you for being awesome. Thank you for looking out for my mana bar. Thank you for holding aggro. Thank you for taking charge but not being a dick about it. Thank you for not pulling groups that you couldn’t handle. Thank you for putting supplemental buffs on all of us and keeping up with them. Keep being awesome.

Much love,
Apple, who wishes more tanks were like you.

Dear Warlock from Yesterday,

Thank you for soulstoning me. You rock.



7 thoughts on “Open Letters to Tanks

  1. I liked this so much I read it out loud to my boyfriend (who has three tanks). He said, “remind me to never run with her!” and I bit his head off. I said:

    “Do YOU tell the healers what spells to use?”
    “Do you expect your druid’s innervate to meet all the healer’s mana needs?”
    “Do you ask the healer to change their mana usage so that innervate DOES meet their mana needs?”
    “Then you wouldn’t have to worry!”

    He’s a good tank. But he’s scared of angry healers because he’s been dating one too long. :P

  2. I’m really starting to think that tanks are a completely different species, the fact that my boyfriend has three prot warriors and three feral druids has done nothing to alter my view on this either. The last few tanks I’ve run with have all managed to be completely obnoxious in some fashion or other. Bullying seems to come as part of the toolkit for quite a few tanks in my battlegroup and sadly it appears to be the better the gear, the nastier they will be.

    1. I know! I mean, there’s the scattered tank that is AWESOME IN ALL RESPECTS, but most of them are just DICKS. I think that’s part of why I’m determined to learn to tank. True, I’ll mostly be queuing up with Lara, Vid, or Rhii (or some combo of the three, or all three!), so less random people getting good tankness, but… still. Sane, considerate tanks ftw. :|

  3. I think you’re right, Erinys, that tanks are a different species. All of the best tanks I know, and the ones who really love it, have a kind of “alpha tank” mentality. It’s not just egotism; it’s more like an unshakeable confidence in their ability to do the job well even in the face of criticism and doubt. Of course, they didn’t get there overnight—they’ve done their homework, they’ve made mistakes, and they’ve practiced that role time and time again in a variety of adverse situations, in order to earn that confidence.

    As Apple said, the sad truth is there are a lot of not-so-great tanks who aren’t “alpha tanks” but just cocky bastards. It can sometimes be hard to tell from a first meeting, but it always comes out eventually which are which. :)

    While I enjoy tanking, I’m not an alpha tank. I enjoy tanking the way people enjoy thrill rides at a carnival: It’s a wild ride, but I can only handle so much of it at a time. You don’t have to be an alpha tank to be a good tank, though—you meet plenty of folks who can do it just fine, even without the supreme confidence of that alien species, the career tank. :)

    1. I doubt very seriously that I will ever be an alpha tank, but as far as healing on my paladin goes… I feel like an alpha healer, so to speak. I may not be perfect, or even level 80 yet, but I can heal. I know from experience that I can get a group through some really messy pulls, and I can keep a tank up who’s really not geared for it.

      That corresponding mindset that I know what I’m doing and I’m confident in my ability to heal and conserve mana as much as is feasible/necessary is probably why that “helpful advice” pissed me off so much. I do not need to be told how to do my job, thanks, I’ve done pretty damn well without you for 68 1/2 levels now, I’ll continue to do pretty damn well without you for the remaining 11 1/2 levels and beyond.

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