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[Insert appropriately emo lyrics here]

November 22, 2010

Tonight was… meh.

Okay, to be perfectly clear, this was not because the instances weren’t interesting and cool (they were) or because my guildies weren’t awesome (they were). It was because for some reason, I was just completely off my game today. (What follows is over 1.2k words of me rambling and being slightly emo. It is not important, feel free to skip it if you so choose.)

I’m not the best healer yet. I’m working on it, and I feel like I’m getting better; except for being dead and during Dreamwalker on Thursday, my healing line on World of Logs pretty well matched Kurn’s – being dead is obvious, and I’m not as good at getting stacks on DW, so my output isn’t as EPIC all the time. So, y’know, not going to be the go-to girl just yet, but I’m making progress.

And then tonight… goddess, I was awful. >< Now, before any of you jump to my defense, I will point this out: I was pretty much responsible for at least three of our Halion wipes, possibly all of them. Not saying that to be hard on myself – it just WAS. Now, part of it was that the dang twilight realm has that screen effect – normally I kinda like those, but it was way too fuzzy, it made it hard for me to see where things are – and I'm not the best at that. Something I'm working on. But the added fuzz and stuff just made it painful. And by painful I mean I was running around like a lazer chicken with its head cut off while the tanks died horrible deaths only moments into phase 2. I initially thought it was just a thing where I needed to be mentally prepared for the shift, but while I think I did a LITTLE better on subsequent attempts, it was still horrific. I mentioned it after the third wipe (I believe), and another healer said he could grab the command line to (hopefully) disable those effects after the next pull, and it still went awfully, so Kurn decided to change the healing assignments, which was definitely for the best. I was switched with Kurn and kept on the outside with our outside tank and, after the first wipe and a realisation (backed up by Kurn, so I felt good about THAT, at least) that I needed to bubble and HoS the tank when p3 started so we could live through that initial damage spike. And then we downed him.

So, we probably would've wiped at least once even without my spectacular fail, but it definitely was exacerbated and extended by my AMAZING failure to do my job. I like to think I learn quickly, but I just could not figure out that dance with the soul cutter and all. And looking back, I probably should've brought it up after the SECOND wipe – giving myself that first wipe as a mulligan of sorts, since I hadn't actually been in the instance before – and possibly saved us one of those wipes, but… I didn't. I feel bad about it, though. :/

Our attempts on LK were good, despite something going wrong somewhere (I don't know if it was me or whoever was on dispells or if I was supposed to dispell myself and didn't realise it or just RNG messing with us) early on in one of the attempts and dying to, like, the first necrotic plague. BUT! Even though we probably couldn't have actually finished the encounter, what with a lot of DPS down, we did push the LK into the second transition before we wiped, which is the best we've done! That was cool, and I felt like I was doing better on that attempt at being where I was supposed to be and moving where I was supposed to move and healing who I was supposed to heal.

It's tempting to say "I'm just distracted by my Ulduar run/am a little burned out from my Ulduar run/got too used to the TINY bit of forgiveness due to gear in my Ulduar run" or whatever, but I really don't think that's it. Even though yes, I AM terrifyingly psyched about the Ulduar run, I adore raiding 25s – the chaos of it makes it more fun, it makes me feel like I'm in a proper battle! I was really looking forward to tonight, and getting Halion and hopefully LK. And no, I don't think that this night was necessarily awful, and I absolutely want to keep raiding. One (personally) bad night is not going to scare me off, nor is the (in my opinion) inevitable critiquing I'm going to get tomorrow or Tuesday from Kurn. Will I like it? No. Being told I'm not doing well enough/fucked up/etc. always gives me a little twisty feeling in my gut – but that's normal. So I’m not mussed about that. I just… really don’t like screwing up.

I think part of it is I feel like I’m still proving myself – to Kurn and the other officers of Apotheosis. I probably am, it hasn’t been that long, and I wasn’t able to make a couple raids due to work/computer issues. But I have this sinking and probably entirely irrational fear that if I screw up at ALL, I will be put at the very end of the list of backbenchers. And I know Kurn reads my blog (at least sometimes), and I want to say that I’m not fishing for reassurances – if I’m just messing up too much or not performing well enough, I ABSOLUTELY want to be benched! I want this guild and the people in it who I have become very fond of to go as far as they possibly can, and I do NOT want to be the pebble in their boot, y’know? I just… want to be good. And much as it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, I want Kurn (and ALL my guildies, but especially Kurn) to like me, and part of my twisted, neurosis-laden little brain thinks that they won’t like me if I’m not OMG AMAZING AND AWESOME AT EVERYTHING EVER. Silly brain, they like me plenty, even if I DO end up sucking as a healer.

There’s really not much of a point to this ramble, other than to air some insecurities and the fact that I feel like I did really shitty tonight and I feel bad about that. :/ I feel bad because I want to be awesome, and I feel bad because I feel like I let people down.

It’s just not my night, I guess. Something knocked me off my centre pretty early on in the evening, I think, and I just need to find it again. My centre, not the thing that knocked me off balance. And I need to remind myself that even so, even if the screen effects blow or I’m not on my game, my mistakes are still my mistakes. I need to make sure that in offering an explanation, I don’t make it into an excuse – own up to where I screwed up, and so forth. Because the moment I make them excuses, I start sounding like the kind of person who fucks up but always has an excuse for why it’s not their fault. Certain things may have contributed or made things worse, but they’re still my fault.

In positive news, I really feel like getting Knock Knock Knock and Firefighter, as well as working on Yogg, last night helped with the “avoid bad shit” portion of the LK fight. :D? Maybe, despite my sudden feelings of dread and inadequacy, we’ll actually get Yogg and Algalon down tomorrow night. :) That would be cool.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. November 22, 2010 7:41 pm

    This is going to sound weird, but here goes. Your guild is incredibly uber. Your raiding experience thus far has not been average. At all. :P What you’re describing here is MUCH more regular for a beginning raider. Honestly, the fact that you’re keeping up at other times is something to be incredibly proud of. I know for a fact I’ve been responsible for two wipes on the same boss many many times. I was particularly bad when we were learning Beasts of Northrend in TOC and I couldn’t stay out of the freezy cone breath thing on Icehowl. :P Sometimes you just have a bad day. I think if Kurn perma-benched everyone who had a rotten night, she’d soon have no team at all. :)

    • November 22, 2010 8:48 pm

      Yeah, I just get paranoid and hypercritical of myself, while being rather forgiving towards EVERYONE ELSE, which makes me feel like I did even WORSE, and… yeah. It’s totally not rational, which is part of the reason I wrote this. XD Just to get it OUT so I could feel better.

  2. November 22, 2010 8:06 pm

    Sorry to hear of this, truly, but yeah, considering the tone this is written in, you don’t need anyone to tell you that everyone has shit days now and then. But c’mon, Halion can be pretty damn bad for healers, and if that was your first trip there, I’m gonna just hang on to and agree with Rhii right up there. You’re kicking butt compared to what’d be expected of a fresh raider, from what I gather. Give yourself some credit.

    Then again, you are. I mean, jeez, this is like the most rational and un-whiny whine ever. You need to work on your whines; this is neither entirely irrational nor flooded with tears.

    Oh yeah, and Kurn sounds awesome. Gonna have to stage a battle between our respective GL’s. Loser migrates to the winner’s server! Or something. Ohyeah.

    • November 22, 2010 8:52 pm

      Oh god, I FAIL AT WHINING MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRR NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAAAAAAIN.

      But yeah. It was less of a whine and more of a “AUGH I AM BEING IRRATIONAL AND I HATE IT LET ME SPELL IT OUT SO HOPEFULLY I CAN GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD THAT I AM BEING SILLY”. And also feeling slightly bad, being the baby raider, that I stood in bad, if unintentionally.

      Oh, and if I lose the GL battle, you’re paying for my brand new account on the EU servers and financing the levelling of my new paladin. :P Just so you know.

  3. Daey permalink
    November 23, 2010 12:41 am

    *OMG not just Kurn reads this!*

    One thing I will say is this: THANK YOU for saying and admitting when you were having problems with something. One thing a lot of newer (and ‘experienced’) raiders get into a bad bad bad habit of is not admitting an error or troubles. Instead of stepping up and saying “Sorry guys, I’m off my game tonight” they’d rather just continue to let the raid bang their heads on something without knowing to make adjustments.

    I’ve give you and example, once apon a time we recruited a certain elemental shaman to be a strider kiter on Lady Vashj in SSC. She was all gung-ho to do so, and confident she could. After a few attempts, it just wasn’t working out and she was forthright and saying so. We were able to revamp our strategy, used Toga instead, and got back to downing Vashj. The shaman is still with us and going strong!

    Anyhow, I’ve rambled a bit from my original THANK YOU!

    • November 23, 2010 3:35 am

      No, thank YOU. <3 This means a lot to me. I'm obviously feeling better now (what with having my Rusted Proto-Drake and my Starcaller title), but it was a hard night for me. I have this habit of being HORRIBLY hard on myself, even when I'm doing my best.

      Also, YOU'RE WELCOME!

  4. November 23, 2010 10:13 am

    Awww Apple! Everybody above has already said all the sensible things but … seriously … you must be doing AMAZINGLY well. I don’t think I could run with a guild like Kurn’s, in all honesty. It is incredibly difficult to join a comitted, experienced group of people and feel like you aren’t holding them back – but it’s really not the case. I mean, you have trust in the people who recruited you – either they’re total morons who recruited an idiot (unlikely) or you’re actually an asset to them :) It’s really natural to have shitty days when everything goes wrong and IT’S ALL YOU FAULT *emo emo emo* but I seriously doubt anybody in your team felt it even half as much as you did. I mean, wanting to do well, and wanting to be liked, and wanting to deserve your place in the team but you’re being way too hard on yourself. And, err, you’re doing this for funz not for nervous breakdown :)

    I would also add that even though you have made a commitment to do your best and all, in accepting you your guild has made an equal commmitment to you – to give you the space to learn (which you’re doing).

    • November 23, 2010 12:31 pm

      ♥ ♥ ♥

      In some ways, I feel like this is just an extension of running 5-mans. Which it SORT OF is. But it’s like… I dunno. A lot of the time, I feel like I can hold my own, even if I’m not the best in the group. I don’t… need to be the best out of everyone, I just need to be the best I can be, y’know? And the bar’s rising a bit more every time, because I get a little bit better every night. I felt like I was being carried during Halion last night, I guess. :/ Which is irrational, because I know I did my job and did it well in the end (ie Fog didn’t die, and neither did I), but there it is.

      I actually didn’t do bad on LK. I was one of the people still alive when we (briefly) pushed into the third phase. I danced beautifully in p2, I think, looking back. But it just didn’t feel like it at the time.

      ANYWAY, my emo night passed, because of… well, I’m sure you saw the post. :) Thanks for the love, though.

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